


Stuck with You

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Drabble, I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10108250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: ummmI'm not exactly sure what this is.Basically just an angst-filled thing that I wrote last night. Make sure to comment if you would like more, but i'm not sure if im going to continue this.





	

Baz is done. He doesn’t know why, and he doesn’t really know how, but all he knows is that whenever he looks at Simon, all he sees in an abyss of what once was.  
He thought that they would, that they could, last forever.  
Oh, how devastatingly cruel the world has turned out to be. 

Simon’s red-faced, and for a moment; no, a split second, Baz thinks that he can feel Simon’s magic surfacing on his pale gold skin.  
He doesn’t know what to do.  
In a different world, in a better world, Baz would go over to him and tell him to calm down, because that’s what he would want to do.  
It’s Simon. Simon, who still makes him so, so weak.  
He was, is, still in love with him.  
Maybe he always will be. Perhaps he was meant to love Simon, but perhaps Simon wasn’t meant to love Baz in return.  
It’s just that- that flame, that bright, incessant flame that burned indefinitely doesn’t burn as bright as it once used to. Baz can feel it.  
Simon can feel it. 

Perhaps, just maybe, a fire that burned that bright just isn’t meant to last. 

Or maybe, all they need is something to re-light the match. Something that will eventually break their stone walls down. Walls that were originally built to keep each other out, but instead, walls that kept them in.  
These are the walls that shielded them away from everything that they knew would eventually kill them.  
Simon and Baz neve truly acted like they were enemies. Simon was often too pressing, too involved, too caring.  
Baz wasn’t caring enough. He stood there, watching Simon, day by day, figure out a little bit more about himself, never doing anything about it.  
He wouldn’t leave Baz alone. 

Baz could say that all he wanted was Simon, but then...

then he would be lying. 

What Baz wants, he knows he can never have. No matter how much he wishes for it and dreams about it.

He's not the kind of person who can just let everything go. Not when his life has never been toned down. He's had too many demons, too many battles to fight, too many battles that he has lost.

The funny thing is that Simon has had so much worse.

Baz wants to laugh at everything that has tortured him. He wants to shake with manic laughter because it seems like the only solution.

Baz was a fool, for being consumed with want for something that he knew he could never, ever had.  
He was a fool for wanting Simon.

Baz thought that it would be okay. He thought that everything would turn out fine, but of course it didn't.

All he really wants is a second chance at happiness, whatever that may be.   
Everyone deserves happiness. He knows that. After his shit life, shouldn't he at least have something that makes him smile?

He thought that was Simon. In fact, there was a time in his life when all he wanted was Simon to flash him one of his easy, normal grins.

Baz cursed Simon for being his only thing that brought him happiness, even if he felt as if his world was caving in because of him.

Life never really came easy to Baz. A human being can only do so much when their world is ripped to shreds right in front of their face. His world was ripped apart and he was trying to grasp at any of the pieces that still slowly drifted to the ground, gone forever.

Baz knew that in the end, he would be the one to be let go. The world couldn't bear to let Simon go, and no one wants a supposedly evil vampire to still live after inflicting so much 'damage'.  
That's what Baz is. A lifetime full of raging hate, and not just for himself, but for everything that surrounded him.

He was so selfish, and so uncontrollably in love that he let his world deteriorate, based on what he wished was just a silly infatuation.

That's what he wished what he felt for Simon was.

Of course it wasn't. 

He doesn't know how much more he can take. He doesn't want to be the person who has a life with everything just drifting and threadbare. He doesn't want people on the sidelines.

Baz looks at Simon, who’s fists are clenched at his sides, and he’s looking down. He doesn’t know what to do. Simon isn’t saying anything, and for the first time in a long, long, time, Baz doesn’t know what to say. 

It's not that Baz doesn't want this to work. He does.  
He just doesn't think that desire goes deep enough. It once did, it definitely did, but Baz thinks that the fire went out.

“I told you so,” is what Baz wants to say. “I told you that this wouldn’t work,” is what Baz wants to say. "You can leave, if you really want to," is what Baz wants to say. He told Simon, on that night that they kissed, that they were doomed. Simon said it.  
“I know you think we’re doomed- Romeo and Juliet style." They both jumped at the same time. They jumped off the cliff that was falling apart behind them, and they did the only thing that they thought was logical. It was wrong. Baz always knew it was, in the back of his mind. He wasn't naive enough, not forgetting enough, not desperately in love enough to put those seven years of animosity and fighting behind him. He couldn't try to be Simon. Baz was too thoughtful. Simon was too rough around the edges, too unrefined, too naive, to not realize that they were headed for something that would eventually kill them. Baz is just glad that he tried to stop it before it killed them both. Simon was too alive for him. Baz knew that, in the end. He never forgot it, not for one minute. He wasn't surprised when Simon started drifting away after being together for five months. Maybe they didn’t realize how doomed they really were until it was the only thing about them that seemed constant.  
At first, Baz didn’t believe it. How could he?  
Simon had kissed him first, in that burning forest. Surrounded by flames, and everything that made Baz question everything, and not just the word why. 

Why

Baz knows he doesn’t need this. He knows he has to save himself before he turns himself into someone that he couldn’t recognize.

He's stuck there. Forever. Baz is all too capable to weave darkness and hatred into everything that surrounds him. His world was surrounded by gravity that constantly tried to bring him down into a fate that he knew he could never outlast.  
Baz's life is a quilt that is knit out of everything wrong with himself.  
He can't bear to see anything other than ugly.  
The only thing that was ever beautiful to him was Simon. 

It has always been impossibly easy.

He always did think that Simon Snow smelt like smoke.  
Maybe that's why he was so enamoured with him. Maybe the fact that Simon smelt like the remnants of inevitable death was what was so attractive to Baz in the first place.  
He was drawn to the one thing that he knew could eventually kill him, but he didn't do anything about it. He didn't take a step back, he just kept falling, falling, falling.

He wants to set himself on fire. 

And he wants Simon, the one person in his life to never turn his back on him, to light the match.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
